Forsaken
by Amanda Hawthorn
Summary: Scrambling off of the bed, he glanced down at his fully clothed body in confusion and hurriedly looked around the room while begging his subconscious mind to free him from this nightmare. Where was Fiona? What the hell was going on? For a dream, this felt all too real… COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Burn Notice still doesn't belong to me unfortunately.**

**A/N: First of all thank you so much to everyone who has supported me throughout every one of the stories I have written for Burn Notice and CSI. I have made some wonderful life long friends who enrich my life on a daily basis. I am blessed and forever grateful to have met some truly wonderful people.**

**Huge thanks as always to Purdy's Pal, DaisyDay and JediSkysinger for reading through parts of this. Special thanks to JediSkysinger for doing the BETA for me despite being incredibly busy. **

'_**Scrambling off of the bed, he glanced down at his fully clothed body in confusion and hurriedly looked around the room while begging his subconscious mind to free him from this nightmare. Where was Fiona? What the hell was going on? For a dream, this felt all too real…'**_

Forsaken

So many things had been strained since Nate's death and Fiona's relationship with Madeline was one of them. Before she had given herself up to the authorities, Fiona had even thought of the older woman as her surrogate mother. At one time, she had even contemplated that Madeline had become more important to her than her own mother…that was until grief had laced its way into Madeline's heart and turned her from the mother Michael and Fiona both loved into a bitter shell.

Fiona had been prepared to let her feelings slide because she knew from experience how her mother had fallen apart after Claire died. She understood that grief was a process and that sometimes the person who was left behind could never recover…but she couldn't sit back and say nothing while the man she loved slipped further away into guilt enraptured grief.

They had said their final goodbyes to Nate Westen, an unsung hero who had paved the way for Fiona's release from prison. She hadn't been able to thank him in person even though she whispered her thanks to him in her dreams. Despite his annoying habit of turning up at inconvenient times when she and Michael were well on their way to intimacy, she still couldn't help but love him.

Fiona watched Michael worriedly when he sat on the edge of their bed in the same position she had left him a few minutes ago. She knew how desolate he was feeling right now because she knew all too well how he felt. Losing Claire had been almost unbearable and she too had endured the inevitable backlash from her mother's grief. She hadn't met Michael then, so she didn't have his love to help her through it. If she had then, she knew she wouldn't have taken out her grief on every one she had come into contact with.

"Michael," she spoke his name softly and waited for him to lift his head, but he didn't acknowledge her. She knew there was something going on with him and Madeline. But every time she asked him, he told her it was nothing.

Leaning against the bench in the kitchen, she watched him for a few more moments before she abandoned her silent vigil and moved around the bench to slowly make her way towards him. She spoke his name again, hoping that her presence was enough to chase his guilt away. But when he didn't respond, she moved closer to sit down next to him on the bed.

"I know it hurts," she whispered, as she reached out to unclasp his hands so that she could cradle one of them between hers. "I know you feel responsible—"

"I _am_ responsible," he hissed, his words causing her to tighten her fingers around his hand. "He's dead because of me…my mom was right. I hurt everyone—"

Fiona's heart broke for him when she felt him shaking beside her. She knew he was going to take this guilt on his shoulders and allow it to fester because he didn't know how else to deal with it, but she also knew there was only one way to stop it.

"Your brother is dead because of _me_," she whispered, squeezing his hand tightly when his head shot up.

"No," he told her, shaking his head vigorously as he clasped onto her fingers. "No, Fi…it's not your fault…it never—"

"It _is_ my fault," she insisted, her eyes holding his as she spoke. "I was the one who walked right into Anson's trap. If I hadn't tried to get you out when I killed Larry, then you wouldn't be in this mess and Nate would still be alive."

Shaking his head, Michael swallowed hard and lifted one of his hands to her cheek and held it there for a few moments while he tried to formulate the words that could convey to her just how much he loved her. His own eyes were brimming with tears and there was an ache rampaging around his body that he just couldn't seem to shake away; but when he was with her, she always made things seem so much more…bearable.

"I turned myself in…"

"No." Turning to face her, Michael dropped his hand from her cheek and grasped hold of her hands and urged her to lift her eyes to his. "There's been too much blame going around here lately."

Looking up, she regarded him thoughtfully as she shuffled closer; the sadness in his eyes luring her towards him. He had always held so much guilt within him, so much anger and pain. She knew how it felt to lose everything. She had lived through her grief of losing first her sister and then him…the pain had almost consumed her.

"Your mother is grieving. She's lashing out at you because she needs someone to blame." Her eyes softened when she saw the sadness in his gaze and all she wanted to do was pull him into her body and hold him there forever.

When he nodded silently, she took the opportunity to urge his body backwards until he was lying flat against the mattress with his head on the pillow. He hadn't slept in such a long time and she knew that eventually, if he didn't get any rest, he would have a meltdown…just like she had.

"I can't sleep," he grumbled miserably. "Nate's killer is still out there—"

"And he'll still be out there after you've taken some time to rest," she soothed. "You won't be any use to anyone if you burn yourself out."

Michael turned his gaze towards her and followed the dark circles that hung beneath her eyes. She had already been through so much due to his actions and she had given up on a normal life a long time ago. She should have been married and had a family by now, but he had ruined that for her too.

"Why did you stay, Fi?" he asked and, even as he spoke, he could already see new pain forming in her eyes. He just couldn't seem to stop hurting her.

"You already know the answer to that question, Michael," she huffed, even though she knew it was only his grief talking for him. It would have been so easy to walk away from him, but she couldn't do that now. Maybe that had been her problem all along…she never could let him go.

"I lost you—"

"You left," she snapped back. "Or have you chosen to forget all about that in this pity party you've got going on?"

"Fi—"

"No, Michael, I've listened to everything you've said to me over the years. I've heard every excuse you've ever come up with and I've seen right through every one of them. You were always trying to get away from me and I always thought it was because you didn't want me in your life."

"Fi, you know that's not true," he gasped out as he sat bolt upright so that he could face her. "Please tell me you know that…"

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Fiona lifted her eyes to his and bit back the hurtful retort that bubbled on her tongue. The raw pain in his eyes had always been her undoing. Lifting her hand to his face, she found herself relishing the slight stubble that scratched against her palm…it reminded her of how they were in Ireland so long ago.

"I do know," she whispered. "Card told me you didn't want to leave…he told me he had to force you…and I…"

Michael watched her eyes well with unshed tears as she shook her head and tried to swallow them back. He wished he could have told her back then. He wished that he could have left her a letter, a clue, anything that would have let her know that he loved her…but he only had thirty minutes and he'd spent most of them watching her sleep.

"Fi…I—"

"It doesn't matter anymore," she sighed sadly. No matter how much time had passed since that moment, some days the pain was as raw now as it was back then and, no matter how many times she told herself that it was in the past, there were still times when the insecurity came back to haunt her.

She watched him for a few more moments before she lowered her hand away from his face and moved to stand up, but he surged forward to grasp hold of her hand.

"Where are you going?"

The look he gave her was one she knew all too well; he had the look of someone who was tackling abandonment issues of his own. Squeezing her fingers around his, she smiled down at him and shook away the sorrow that had lingered around her for so long.

"I was going to lock the door," she told him softly. "It's been a long day and we could both do with some sleep."

Releasing the breath he'd been holding, Michael nodded numbly and let go of her hand before he lay back down against the pillows. He couldn't even begin to comprehend how he had survived without her after he'd left her in Ireland. His life had never been the same and, even though he'd left Michael McBride behind him, the man had still been there inside him, longing for the woman that they both loved.

When he'd returned back home to Samantha, nothing had been the same. She'd tried to engage him in a bout of love making, but he couldn't. He'd just blamed his lack of interest on exhaustion, but even then he'd known that she wouldn't accept his excuses for long and that was why he left her when he did.

The feelings he'd thought he'd had for Samantha were nothing compared to the complete and utter love that he'd felt for Fiona. He'd never brought into all that romance stuff about love at first sight, he'd always thought it was a load of bull, but…that all disappeared when he'd met the woman he knew he would love forever…and he had.

Even after Fiona turned herself in and left him behind he'd known. He was an absolute mess without her and, since she's been released from her incarceration, he'd needed her presence more than he'd needed to breathe and he hated being away from her for any amount of time. He could only imagine how she must have felt that morning in Ireland when she'd woken up to find him gone without any kind of explanation.

He heard her click the lock closed, the sound bringing him out of his memories. He listened to her movements and the padding of her feet when she made her way towards the bathroom. He didn't think he would ever be able to be without her again. He wouldn't survive losing her, not again.

Closing his eyes he listened to the shower running and allowed the sounds to relax him. Just knowing she was a short distance away was a comfort, one that he was only now willing to acknowledge. She was his life…

000

When he opened his eyes a few hours later, he took a deep breath before he cracked open one eye. The sunlight was pouring in through the window and bathing glowing rays all over his body, but he blinked it away and rolled onto his side to grasp hold of the warm body beside him.

Breathing deeply, he settled against the woman he loved and shuffled closer to kiss her bare shoulder, but stopped mid kiss when he realised that something felt wrong. Feeling around the covers that laid around his torso, he reached out expecting to feel the silken linens that Fiona had bought for their bed. But when his fingers touched a woollen comforter, all kinds of alarm bells resounded inside his head.

Opening his eyes fully, he looked at the floral curtains and felt his heart lurch inside his chest. Sitting up, he drew in a ragged breath as he looked around the room, none of the surroundings registering with him until his gaze fell onto a familiar wicker chair in the corner of the room. Swallowing hard, he turned sharply and looked down at the sleeping woman in the bed, her brunette curls falling over the pillows to cascade around her face.

Scrambling off of the bed, he glanced down at his fully clothed body in confusion and hurriedly looked around the room while begging his subconscious mind to free him from this nightmare. _Where was Fiona? What the hell was going on?_ For a dream, this felt all too real…

"Michael," the woman asked tiredly, her voice breaking into a yawn. "What are you doing?"

Michael stopped still and tried to control his ragged breathing. How had this happened? He'd closed his eyes a short time ago, listening to Fiona's movements and allowing the sounds to soothe him, but he'd awoken to this weird alternate reality.

Looking down at his arm, he reached down to pinch himself hard, expecting the pain to wake him, but when he opened his eyes, he found himself still in the same bedroom that he'd stood in over ten years ago. Swallowing hard, his gaze fell down onto the bed and he could already feel the blood draining away from his face as his lips formed a word to utter a name that he hadn't spoken in a very long time…

"_S…Samantha?"_

Even after he'd spoken her name, she seemed to look right past him and for a moment he contemplated correcting his mistake of long ago by actually offering her an explanation as to why he was leaving so suddenly. But when he actually turned around to look at her, he came face to face with a younger version of himself.

"What is wrong with you?" she asked the other Michael Westen in exasperation when she pulled herself upright in the bed to watch him. "You come to bed late. You sleep in pyjamas; you never used to sleep in anything."

Stepping away to stand against the wall, Michael watched his younger self in total shock. She had spoken those same words to him so long ago, but he hadn't thought to answer her. All he had been focused on was ending his own pain and running as far away as he could. Had he really been so cold towards her? Shaking his head, he watched the scene unfold and felt the guilt wash over him. Why hadn't he felt the slightest inkling of guilt ten year ago?

"Ever since you came back from whatever hell hole they sent you to you've been distant." Pushing the covers back, she exposed her bare breasts to the man searching through the closet and waited for the lust to appear in the younger Michael's eyes, but he didn't look at her at all. Swallowing back her anger, she tried to hide the hurt in her heart by pulling the sheets back up over her chest. "What the hell is going on with you?"

"_You know, I'm beginning to wonder how you managed to have any kind of relationship at all!"_

The voice beside him sent shivers throughout his body and caused him to gasp in a breath. This couldn't be real. This had to be some kind of dream because why else would he hear things that weren't there? He turned slowly, reminding himself that the owner of that voice was dead, but nothing could have prepared him for seeing his brother standing beside the wall watching him with an amused grin on his face.

Opening his mouth to speak, Michael couldn't seem to get any words out but when he stepped towards his brother, he felt something else shift in the room and he seemed to be standing in some kind of bubble. Turning back around, he saw himself as he was all those years ago wearing the same lost expression that he'd been carrying around since he'd left Ireland. Those feelings of guilt disappeared all too quickly when he watched his earlier self stumbling over his own words.

"It's…over, Samantha."

Those feelings of remorse reared up inside him again, but they were muted by the reasons behind why he'd had to leave. He couldn't have stayed with her. He would have been living in a lie. But instead of telling her that he'd fallen in love with someone else, he'd just packed his stuff and walked away.

"_You really know how to leave an impression,"_ Nate chuckled. _"Did you really just wake up one morning and walk away?"_

"_You're not here,"_ Michael whispered, even though he didn't know what he was saying anymore. His brother was dead and Samantha was long gone, so why was he reliving this moment all over again. _"I need to get back to Fiona. Where is she?"_

"_Oh, we'll get to her soon. You just need to watch this first…"_

"_I really don't,"_ Michael told him quietly as he shook his head. _"I left Samantha because I—"_

"_Because of what?"_ Nate pushed. _"You didn't love her? You used her? What?"_

"_It was complicated. I came back home and…"_ Shaking his head, Michael turned away from his brother's image only to be confronted with watching his twin ignoring the woman he was supposed to have loved, as he rammed clothes into a bag before he just walked away from her without a backwards glance.

"MICHAEL!" she screamed after him as she scrambled out of the bed, not even bothering to cover herself. "_MICHAEL_…"

"_Why are you showing me this?"_ Michael asked, hissing out his words when he looked back towards his brother. _"This happened over ten years ago. I had to leave—"_

Nate silenced him and pointed to the woman who had returned to the room to sink down onto the bed looking completely numb. There were no tears on her cheeks, just pure disbelief, and for one chilling moment. Michael thought she was going to break out into uncharacteristic sobs, but all she did was laugh. Shaking his head Michael turned to his brother and opened his mouth to ask for an explanation, but the scream that bellowed out behind him silenced whatever he was going to say.

Turning slowly, he watched Samantha yank open a drawer and pull out a t-shirt before she angrily pulled the garment over her slender body.

"Bastard," she hissed out when she stood up and kicked the drawer closed, anger spurring her onwards as she stalked around the room to pull open the closet door.

"_What's this about Nate? I left her because I HAD to. I couldn't stay with her not after…"_

"_Fiona?"_ Nate asked seriously as he folded her arms across his chest. _"That's why I'm here, bro."_

"_For Fi?"_ Michael's voice cracked when he spoke her name, forgetting all about the woman who was currently tossing every item of clothing onto the bed. _"What about her?"_

"_You've left too many people behind, Mike. That's why they sent me here."_

"_You just told me it was because of Fi!"_

"_And it is, but you need to see what you do to the people you leave behind,"_ Nate told him as he nodded towards the woman who suddenly slammed the closet door closed before she slumped down to sit in between the pile of clothes on the bed.

"I hope you _rot_ in _hell,_ Michael _Westen_," she seethed, her voice dipping unbelievably low as she got up from the bed and took one last look behind her before she stalked out of the room.

"_That was harsh, bro, even for you!"_

Michael shook his head in exasperation before he ran his hands over his face. Pulling them away, he tried once more to wake himself up. But to his dismay when he opened his eyes again, he was still in the same room.

"_Okay, you've proved your point. I should have given Samantha some kind of explanation…I could have tried to tell her…"_ Turning away from his brother, his eyes wandered over towards the bed that was still covered with the various items of clothing strewn all over it. _"It seemed the right thing to do at the time."_

"_And now?"_

"_I don't know…maybe now I would do things different, but it wouldn't change what happened." _ Sighing heavily, Michael turned back towards his brother and silently pleaded with him to end this torment and let him wake up, but when Nate slowly shook his head and pointed towards the bedroom door, Michael turned around again to see Samantha stepping back into the room.

"_Sam,"_ Michael muttered her name, his remorse filled voice breaking a little when he saw his ex-fiancée swipe a hand across her damp cheek. _"I'm sorry…"_

"_Mike, she can't hear you,"_ Nate told him quietly as he watched the mixed emotions flashing across his elder brother's eyes.

"_I never thought I meant that much to her,"_ Michael all but whispered when he kept his gaze fixed on the woman he had almost shared a life with. _"I didn't think she really cared…"_

"_Well, now you know she did,"_ Nate sighed. _"Or maybe it was just you who didn't care."_

Michael shot around to face Nate, anger flashing in his eyes. _"Of course I cared!"_

Nate held his hands up and watched his brother turn back around to survey the carnage he'd ultimately left behind. _"I'm just sayin' it how it looks, bro."_

"_I cared…I…just…"_

"_You didn't love her?"_

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Michael slowly shook his head and averted his eyes. He couldn't take this anymore.

"_You've made your point, Nate. I left Sam and I left Fi…can we just—"_

"_Actually, Fiona is next on my list," _Nate nodded as he glanced back at his brother's solemn face. _"Unless you want to stay here and—"_

"_No!" _

"_Okay, then,"_ Nate chuckled as he walked towards the wall. _"I'll meet you there."_

Michael watched his brother disappear and felt his heart lurch inside his chest. Turning back around sharply, his eyes widened further when he realised that he was still in Samantha's room and he could already feel the panic coursing through him.

"_NATE!"_ he yelled. _"THIS ISN'T FUNNY, NATE!"_

When nothing happened, Michael shook his head from side to side and moved backwards until he was flush against the wall. Squeezing his eyes closed, he found himself repeating a mantra to whoever was listening to take him back to Fiona…he needed her…he needed…

"Thare ya are. I wa' beginnin' ta think ya'd stood me up."

Snapping his eyes open, Michael found himself face to face with the woman he loved and felt his whole body relax…until he realised that they weren't in the loft and she wasn't the Fiona he knew now, but rather, he was back and trapped in the day when he left her behind…

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who has left reviews, PM'd and for all of the author and story adds. I really do appreciate every one of your comments. RL is taking much of my time at the moment so I can only answer a few PM's, but please know I always appreciate all of you.**

**Huge thanks to my friends Purdy's Pal, DaisyDay and JediSkysinger for being such wonderful friends and for keeping me sane and for filling my days with so much laughter. Thank you to the lovely JediSkysinger for finding the time to BETA even though she's been so busy.**

**Special thanks to the girls on twitter for the constant support. LeeLee, I know is without power at the moment and Noelle is keeping me up to date with everything. Please stay safe over there everyone, much love to all of our American friends**

2

Michael's mouth opened and closed as he allowed his eyes to drift over Fiona's beautiful face. She had been so perfect, even back then, and he'd never known what love actually felt like before he'd met her. She had captured his heart, his soul and everything in between…he'd been a fool to think he could forget about her so easily.

"Ya know I wouldn' leave ya, love."

Feeling the dream sink into the pit of his stomach, Michael tried to control his wayward heartbeat when he slowly turned his head to see Michael McBride, the lying, cheating younger version of himself. He wanted to surge forward and lunge at the man he used to be. He wanted to yell out to Fiona and tell her that what he did to her all those years ago had hurt too, even though he'd pretended it hadn't.

"_You can't change anything."_

Whirling around, Michael glared at his brother and tried to blink back the tears that had suddenly welled in his eyes.

"_I had to leave her…I couldn't stay…"_ Tearing his eyes away from Nate, he turned back to watch the scene unfold before him with so much heaviness in his heart.

"_Y'know, it's kinda funny, bro. You used those same words when you left your other girlfriend,"_ Nate told him solemnly as he wondered how his brother from the past had been so callous.

"_Fiancée,"_ Michael corrected grimly before he had time to think. He couldn't believe he'd actually considered spending his life with Samantha, but that was before Ireland…before Fiona.

"_Fiancée? You mean you were gonna marry her?"_ Nate's eyes grew as wide as his mouth as he regarded his brother in shock. _"Bro, how could you just leave her?"_

"_It wouldn't have worked,"_ Michael told him, shaking his head from side to side. "_We grew apart, I—"_

"_You cheated on her?"_

"_This was different—"_

"_Different?"_ Nate asked in disbelief_. "Different how? Cheating is still cheating!"_

"_It wasn't like that,"_ Michael's voice lowered as he turned to watch the woman he loved smiling at his younger self and he was still taken aback by how she could still affect him_. "I can't explain it but with Fiona…it was different…I was different."_

Shaking his head, Nate chuckled ruefully and pointed towards the couple who had gone from talking to kissing in a matter of seconds. _"Yet you turned your back on this, too?"_

Michael followed his brother's eyes and instantly knew what was happening. This had all been a ploy to silently say goodbye to Fiona. He'd known he was leaving and, even though it'd hurt, it had all been about the job back then. Even though he'd wavered and refused to leave her side, Card had forced the issue and told him in no uncertain terms of what would happen to his girlfriend if he didn't move out fast.

"_I didn't turn my back on her…"_ Shaking his head, Michael swallowed the lump in his throat when he realised just how much he'd lost when he'd left. Fiona was everything to him, but she was supposed to be his asset, not his girlfriend. He'd fallen in love with her, but she had ultimately paid the price for loving him.

"_Wow, Mike, I didn't know you had it in ya!"_

When Michael looked towards his brother to ask him what he was talking about, everything because apparent within seconds. For a few moments, he was mesmerised by the sight before him, even though it _was _a little strange watching himself as he'd started his slow seduction.

"_Stop watching,"_ he snapped when he caught Nate's eyes growing wider when Fiona sighs filled the room. _"NATE!"_

"_Oh, come on,"_ Nate grinned. "_What exactly do you think I'm gonna do?"_

"_I don't care_," Michael growled in warning, "_TURN AROUND."_

Nate tutted in annoyance and folded his arms across his chest and grumbled as he turned away from the kissing couple. _"Y'know, I'm dead, not deaf!"_

"_Cover your ears,"_ Michael hissed when Nate looked at him like he'd lost his mind.

"_I won't,"_ Nate challenged, amused by his brother's irritability_. "And you can't make me!" _

"_I mean it, Nate. You're not watching OR listening to my girlfriend." _Moving closer, Michael reached out towards Nate and made a grab for his arms, but to his dismay his hands only met with thin air. Exasperated, he tried again, only this time he became more infuriated with Nate's hysterical laughter.

"_Told ya," _he grinned_. "I'm dead…"_

Nate's words stopped Michael in his tracks and he suddenly remembered everything that had happened over the last few months. His brother was gone, taken from him way before his time and there was nothing that he could do to bring him back…absolutely nothing. Lowering his hands, he took a step back and tried to keep the welling emotion at bay before he lost it completely_._

"_I'm sorry, Nate…I…"_

"_Oh, come on, Mike, it's not all that bad. At least I don't have a gambling habit anymore!"_

"_Don't…"_ Michael whispered as he turned back around to take solace in the sight of Fiona, hoping that just her presence alone would be enough to calm his heart.

Nate sighed heavily and moved to stand beside his brother, once again earning himself a disapproving scowl before he broke out into another grin.

"_Oh, come on, Mike, lighten up. Fi's almost my sister, so that's like…major ewww!" _

Before he could answer, Michael heard the distinctive sound of Fiona's soft laughter and he found himself drawn back towards her. He could remember this night with perfect clarity, even down to what he'd cooked her for dinner, but he also remembered that he hadn't had much of an appetite.

He watched the younger version of himself lead her towards the table, his lips dancing over her shoulder as he eased her down into her chair. Her warm smile had almost disarmed him all those years ago too and he'd been so close to telling her everything.

"Yer actin' mighty strange thare, Michael," she purred softly when she reached up to pull Michael McBride back down towards her. "I wan' ya ta take me ta bed befer ya ge' any stranger."

Michael clamped his eyes closed. Those words still haunted him even now. She'd had no idea how much he'd wanted to take her up on her offer and just take her to bed to lose himself in her. He may have been masquerading as someone else, but the love he felt for her was very real. No matter how much she'd doubted it when she'd learned the truth years later, when he'd made love to her, he'd meant it, all of it.

"We'll eat first," the younger Michael chuckled, fending off her wayward hands as he tried to move away. "Yer need ta keep ya strength up."

"I do?" she asked him with a coy smile as her eyes lit up with lust. "Do ya plan ta have yer way wit' me?"

"Aye," he whispered lowly when he hovered close to her lips. "I plan ta have yer every way I can."

"_Would you look at that,"_ Nate's voice broke through the passion in the room and shifted on his feet when he watched his brother's mesmerised gaze. _"Who'd have thought that Michael Westen, my brother, could be such a romantic?"_

"_Nate!"_

Michael could remember with perfect clarity how their final night together had started. He'd wanted nothing more than to bury himself inside her and take comfort from her body, but what had actually happened that night had filled his dreams to keep him bound to her for every night since then.

_He took her hand gently in his. A simple, delicate gesture meant to pull her from her seat. She followed him willingly and when he turned towards her, his body became acutely aware of every sensation. His heart was beating a little faster with a mixture of excitement and sorrow._

_He felt hot and breathless when she turned and placed a hand on his waist pulling him towards her. Their chests touched as his hand slid to her back and he brought her hand to his chest, holding it there. He could barely remember anything else but her back then and the soft music that flowed throughout their tiny flat. His heart pounded in his chest so hard he swore she could feel it, but when she rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, he'd asked himself over and over again why he was going through with this._

_They found a rhythm and followed it, their feet barely moving. Their bodies fit so closely together, making him even more certain that they were made for each other. Their bodies were touching now, chests and hips pressed together as they moved in unison. It was slowly becoming a much more intimate dance. _

_He could feel her breath against his throat; it sent shivers down his body and left goose bumps on his skin. He breathed in deeply, savouring the scent that was purely her and with that scent came the memories of how she had turned the tables on him and taken control of this slow seduction._

_Her hand moved up to his neck and her fingers imitated his hand on her back, gently caressing the fine hairs at the base of his head. He drew a shaky breath and pulled her to him, squeezing her against him. Her eyes were still closed as she moved her head on his shoulder, bringing her face closer to his. She rubbed her cheek along his jaw line, lightly and slowly, delighting in the feel of the rough stubble on her smooth skin. Her mouth opened a little and her breath fluttered past his ears, making him exhale sharply. She released his hand and joined it with the other at his neck, allowing both sets of fingers to play among his hair…and he melted in her arms._

_She planted a trail of hot, wet kisses over his throat leading up to his ear before she sucked the lobe into her mouth. She pulled away from his ear when he groaned against her, and delicately trailed her lips along his cheek. When her mouth came to his, he opened his eyes and surrendered to her when her lips closed over his._

_The kiss was gentle at first; both of them making a feeble attempt to take things slow, but when he ran his tongue over her bottom lip in an attempt to deepen their kiss, all of those thoughts disappeared. The kiss became a frantic exploration of each other's mouths and their hands raked over one another's bodies…and they weren't dancing any more._

_When they broke the kiss, both of them breathless; they rested their foreheads against each other. _

_"Fiona..." Her name came out on a ragged whisper. His hands rested on her hips, keeping her to him. He felt her name wash over him. His mind felt fuzzy, his thoughts a confused mess of love and lust. He wanted her so badly. His body ached for her and when her hands came up to rest on the side of his face, her thumbs stroking his cheeks, he knew she felt it too._

_"Michael..."_

_"Come to bed..." It was more a plea than a request. He could hear the desperation in his own voice. He wanted to feel her naked against him, skin on skin, hot and wet and sticky from their sweat. He wanted to feel himself inside of her. He wanted to hear the little gasps and moans she always made whenever they made love. And her answer when it came burned him from the inside out…_

_"Yes."_

The memories coursed through him to create a path of fire inside his whole body. He'd never felt a connection to any other woman like he had when he was with her. She was perfection, even though he'd tried to deny it for so many years. If he had listened to his heart instead of following orders all those years ago, then maybe they could avoided all of the heartache that they had caused one another. Yet he knew that it was all the heartache that had brought them so close together as a couple. He loved her in every possible way. He just wished that he hadn't waited so long to acknowledge it.

"_That's gotta be some daydream there, bro,"_ Nate's teasing voice brought him out of his memories and he turned to watch the younger Westen with barely contained annoyance.

"_Don't you have somewhere else you need to be?"_ he asked huffily. _"Someone you need to be haunting?"_

The smile on Nate's face spread even wider as it almost split his face in two. He was enjoying his brother's discomfort more than he should have, but he just couldn't help himself.

"_Nope, I'm good!"_

"_Are you sure?"_ Shaking his head, Michael smiled despite the bizarre twist in this situation. _"Couldn't you go and pay mom a visit or something? God knows she doesn't want to see me…."_

"_Mike…" _

Nate's voice caused Michael to lift his eyes to his brother's and he felt himself slipping. His brother was dead and his mother couldn't even look at him. Everything was crumbling around him and he could feel himself drowning in the simmering grief.

"_I'm sorry, Nate,"_ Michael all but whispered as he turned his attention back towards his girlfriend who always seemed to ease his torrid emotions even when she wasn't physically with him.

"_We'll see mom in time,"_ Nate told him cheerily when he shook off him brother's melancholy mood. _"Did anyone tell ya you're no fun?"_

Fiona's voice echoed inside Michael's head and he couldn't help the wistful smile that lingered over his lips. Nodding slightly, he eyed his brother with unhidden affection. _"Plenty of times!"_

"_Well, stop it,"_ Nate groused. _"You're taking the fun out of it!"_

"_FUN?"_

"_Yeah, ya know, me seeing you as you were,"_ Nate explained_. "Making a mess of things!" _

"_Nate,"_ Michael sighed sorrowfully. _"I—"_

The scene before him changed and he watched with a heavy heart as the younger version of himself silently had slipped out of the bed he was sharing with Fiona. He wanted to turn away from the image bombarding his senses but he couldn't seem to stop watching. He knew exactly how McBride had felt back then because he felt it too, even to this day. He'd never felt so much pain before or the hopelessness that accompanied every other possible feeling. He'd been ripped apart with every step he'd taken away from her, taking the coward's way out of her life.

"_Can we just stop this,"_ he pleaded softly, his heart aching with remorse and regret. _"Please…just…"_

Before he could finish what he was saying, another image emerged before him to steal the words from his lips. Swallowing hard, he watched with a heavy heart as Fiona slowly drifted into wakefulness and stretched like a cat in the large bed. He held his breath when she automatically felt for the warm body beside her and snapped her eyes open when all she felt was empty space.

"_I'm sorry,"_ Michael whispered brokenly as he fought to swallow the lump in his throat. _"Fi…I'm so sorry."_

"_Mike, you know she can't hear you right?"_ Nate asked softly. _"This has already happened."_

"_I know,"_ Michael nodded and sniffed back the tears at the same time. _"I just…"_

His voice trailed away when Fiona sat up in the bed, the sheet falling to pool around her stomach. She looked around the room and blinked in confusion before she called out to him several times. When she didn't hear any kind of response, she grasped hold of the bed sheet and wrapped it around her body as she manoeuvred herself out of the bed.

"MICHAEL," she called again, the bright smile on her lips falling away when she ventured out into the tiny living room, only to find it empty.

Michael felt his heartbeat thumping inside his chest as he fought to tear his eyes away, but he couldn't seem to move. He was drawn to her as she called out to him again even though slow awareness was clouding her eyes. The welling tears in those beautiful eyes of hers caused his own to fall and he found himself stepping towards her, aching to heal her with his touch.

"_I'm here, Fi,"_ he whispered brokenly, his voice catching when he tried to reach out to her. _"I'm here…"_

Despite his words, Fiona still continued to look around the tiny flat as if he would appear at any second. Gathering the sheet upwards, she exposed her bare knees as she made her way towards the bathroom and opened the door only to find that empty too.

Tears clouded his vision when he saw her beautiful face crumbling with grief as she suddenly realised that everything that was his in the bathroom had gone. Shaking his head, he tried to banish the memories of how he had methodically removed every single trace of himself from the tiny flat. He was told not to leave anything behind and even though he'd wanted to leave something, anything to let her know that he loved her, he couldn't.

Fiona slumped against the bathroom door and he moved towards her, stopping right in front of her to follow her down onto the floor. Reaching out his hand he wanted to comfort her and take away the pain that he'd caused her all those years ago but his hand passed right through her body.

"_Fiona,"_ he urged. _"I love you…I didn't want to leave…I didn't want to go…"_

"_Bro, she can't—"_

"_SHE CAN'T HEAR ME…"_ Michael growled as he turned his tear filled eyes onto his brother. _"YOU KEEP telling me that."_

"_Because it's true,"_ Nate sighed sadly. _"But this is YOUR past; these are the things that YOU did."_

"_Take me back,"_ Michael pleaded, his voice thick with emotion. He turned away from Fiona and looked back towards his brother_. "I need to see Fiona…please…just take me back to her…"_

Before Nate could answer, Fiona pulled herself off of the floor and allowed the sheet to fall away from her naked body. At first he thought that she was going to move into the bathroom, but she turned and sped towards the bedroom that they had shared and yanked open the closet doors.

Michael closed his eyes to block the sight of her reaction when she found that all of his clothes had gone. He'd been so cruel and so thorough, how could he have just walked away from her? Opening his eyes, he allowed a single tear to slip over his cheek to create a wet path over his face. He had never been able to handle her tears; he'd always hated to see her cry, but he had caused her tears this time and the fact that he had hurt her so deeply burned his heart.

"_Come on, bro,"_ Nate told him softly when he stepped towards him, _"It's time to go."_

Shaking his head emphatically, Michael's voice came out as a sob when he refused to leave her side. _"No…"_

"_You can't stay here,"_ Nate urged. _"We need to move on."_

"_I'm NOT leaving her,"_ Michael growled angrily as he continued to watch the woman he loved sobbing before him, knowing that he couldn't do a thing to help her_. "I need to stay…"_

"_You can't…"_

Michael swallowed hard and swiped at the tears that littered his cheek. He knew his brother was right, he had to leave but he couldn't seem to tear himself away. He closed his eyes and prepared himself to say goodbye, but when he opened them again, the scene had changed and he found himself sitting in a tiny white cell…

"_Nate,"_ he gasped miserably when he became acutely aware of where he was. _"I can't be here…I can't—"_

"_I don't make the rules, bro,"_ Nate sighed as he looked around the tiny little cell. _"How long was she in here?"_

In his head Michael rattled off the exact time in days, hours, minutes and seconds, but when his eyes caught the photograph of him and Fiona his voice caught in his throat when he released a painful, _"Too long."_

"_So you get to feel what it was like to be left behind,"_ Nate nodded knowingly_. "It kinda sucks doesn't it?"_

The words took only seconds to sink in and Michael knew that he deserved every ounce of pain that had come his way tonight. He'd walked out on too many people, wrecking their lives without a backwards glance. He'd done the same with Fiona that first time even though the pain had torn him in half. He'd convinced himself that it was Michael McBride who had fallen for her, but even before those thoughts had entered his head, he'd known he was only lying to himself.

Standing up, Michael gasped in a breath when he looked around the white walls and caught sight of Fiona talking to another inmate across the room. She had spoken about a woman she'd befriended in here, someone who'd helped her on more than one occasion and he silently wondered if this woman had been responsible for keeping Fiona in one piece.

"_That's Ayn,"_ Nate provided as he nodded towards them. _"She helped Fiona hide when the British wanted to deport her."_

"_I…"_ Michael's voice stuck in his throat when he regarded Fiona's pale face. Since he'd known her she had always had a glow to her skin and to see her now looking so withdrawn was pure heartbreak. He was responsible for this, just like every other time.

Turning sharply towards his brother, he could already feel the wall of emotions dragging him down as he silently pleaded with him to let him wake up.

"_I want to go back to her,"_ he hissed through a tear fogged voice. "_I need to go back…Nate, take me back—"_

Before he could finish speaking the world around him shifted again and he tried to hang onto anything to keep himself from falling, but when the fog around him cleared his mouth gaped open in shock when he found himself looking down at a newly placed grave.

"_You brought me here?"_ he growled angrily as he lifted his head to search for his wayward brother. When he couldn't see him anywhere he started down at the gravestone and laughed ruefully at the selected words. _"Loving husband and father? Yeah...of course you were!"_

He was so preoccupied with glaring down at his father's grave that he didn't notice the woman standing beside him until a lit cigarette landed on the stone at his feet. Turning around sharply, he stared open mouthed at the woman who hadn't spoken to him in weeks.

"Mom…"

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you for all of your reviews, PM's, favourite story adds, follows and author adds. I really do appreciate all of you for reading and taking the time to send a review. Your comments brighten my day especially when RL takes up a lot of my time.**

**Special thanks to my friends Purdy's Pal, DaisyDay and JediSkysinger for keeping my spirits lifted with love and laughter, even on the hardest of days. Also huge thanks to JediSkysinger for finding time to beta for me even though she's been busy. **

**Lastly to the twitter girls, thank you for your constant support, especially LeeLee and Noelle. Love you both heaps.**

3

Michael stared down at the burning cigarette for a few seconds before he found the courage to lift his eyes. Turning towards the woman who was standing solemnly beside him, he prepared himself for whatever she was going to throw his way. But she just ignored him as she continued to stare down at the words on the graves stone.

"_Mom…"_ he breathed out uncomfortably and tried to think of something to say, but he couldn't think of a single thing.

"_Mike, what are you doing?"_

Whirling around, he found himself staring at his brother who was regarding him with barely contained amusement. Michael's heart lurched inside his chest when he turned back towards his mother again and took a good look at her face.

Her hair was longer than he remembered and she had a haunted look in her eyes that he hadn't seen in a very long time. Reaching out to touch her, he wasn't entirely surprised when his hand passed right through her.

"_When are we?"_ Michael asked in a whisper as he kept a close eye on his mother's pale face.

"_When?"_

"_Yeah, when…what year, date, time…I don't care I just need—"_

"_Dad's funeral was yesterday,"_ Nate told him, his voice holding no sense of sorrow. "_Well, yesterday here…"_

Michael nodded numbly as he followed his mother's eyes down to the gravestone at their feet before he released the breath he'd been holding.

"_How many times did she come here?"_

Nate shrugged his shoulders when he moved closer to stand beside his brother, joining in their dysfunctional family's silent vigil.

"_So…after everything he did to her she still came back here?"_ Shaking his head, he lifted his eyes up to look across at all the other gravestones before staring back down at Frank Westen's. _"He doesn't deserve to be here."_

"_Maybe he doesn't, but it gives her something to hold on to," _Nate told him quietly. _"You've been gone for years and I…"_

When his voice trailed away, Michael looked towards his brother and watched him struggling to find his voice. He knew he'd neglected his family while he was away, but for his own selfish reasons he'd tried to forget them. He'd done a pretty good job of doing just that until he'd met Fiona and been welcome into the Glenanne fold. She had shown him how a family should be towards one another and it was because of her that he'd sent his mother a postcard a year later.

"_I didn't want to be here,"_ Michael sighed, his voice already filling with remorse. "_While I wasn't around…did you help her?"_

"_I was where she needed me, helping around the house, taking care of stuff."_ Turning towards his brother, Nate folded his arms across his chest defensively as he regarded him for a long time. "_I didn't want to be here either, but she needed someone."_

"_I couldn't stay here. You know that, Nate,"_ Michael sighed_. "He was always worse with me around and I thought I was doing you both a favour by leaving."_

"_You think that?"_ Nate asked haughtily when he turned and began to walk away. _"Let me show you something."_

Michael glanced over at his mother one more time and watched her worriedly as she withdrew another cigarette from her pouch and placed it against her lips. Shaking his head, he realised that there were just some things that would never change, especially with his chain smoking mother. Turning back to ask Nate where they were going next, his voice died on his lips when he found himself in his mother's house.

He'd been in here so many times since he'd come back to Miami, so he knew he shouldn't really get that feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach, but part of him still held those bad memories from when he was a child.

"GONE? WHAT DO YA MEAN HE'S GONE?"

The sudden boom of his father's voice caused Michael's heart to leap inside his chest and he turned towards the door as he waited for the brute that was his father to emerge. Even though he knew that the man himself was dead and this was his past, he still couldn't shake those images of the man he had been so terrified of all those years ago.

When the door flew open to reveal Frank Westen, the image that greeted Michael took him by surprise. He'd been prepared to be confronted by all of his past fears, knowing that the terror his father had instilled in him had controlled most of his life, but the man he saw was nothing like the brute he remembered and all of that fear seemed to slowly filter away.

"He's gone, Frank," Madeline's trembling voice brought Michael's attentions back to his mother and he instinctively moved to place himself between his parents.

"_This happened years ago, Mike,"_ Nate reminded him, announcing his reappearance in his usual way. "_You weren't here to stop it."_

Ignoring Nate's voice, Michael glared at his father's image and felt a flood of hatred fill his body as he stood his ground. There were so many times he'd thought about doing this and there had been more than one occasion that he'd wished himself back to this moment just to retaliate and give his father back some of his own abuse.

"_LEAVE HER ALONE,"_ he growled, his fists already clenching in defiance.

"_Mike—"_

"_LEAVE IT, NATE!"_

"_Bro…"_ Nate tried again, his voice urging his brother to stop look at him. _"Mike…"_

Michael kept his eyes firmly focused on his father's face, daring him to take a step closer towards his mother, but when he didn't move he glanced towards Nate and met his eyes.

"_What's going on? Why isn't he moving?"_

"_I've been trying to tell ya, bro…he was different after you left,"_ Nate told him honestly. _"Yeah, he still lost his temper and he still drank, but he never touched mom again."_

Nate's words, however welcome, had already started to ring alarm bells inside his head. _"What about you?"_

"_What about me?"_ Nate asked, hiding behind his smile. "_It was all good, Mike."_

"_You're lying to me,"_ Michael told him, realization dawning in his eyes. _"What aren't you telling me?"_

"_Nothing,"_ Nate nodded as he cleared his throat. "_So…you get why I had to show you this, right?"_

"_No,"_ Michael lifted his hand up to his face and ran his fingers across his eyes. _"What has any of this got to do with showing me Fiona and Sam?"_

"_This is so you can let it go."_ Nate moved towards him to stand by his side and waited for him to lower his hand. "_That hatred you carry around with you served you when you needed it, but you can't keep letting it eat at you."_

Hearing his brother's voice brought a smile to Michael's face and he slowly lowered his hand to look across at his mother who was still watching Frank warily. Shaking his head ,he released a soft chuckle before he turned towards his brother once more.

"_You sound like Fi…"_

"_She's a wise woman!"_

"_Yeah…"_ Michael sighed out the word and took solace in the memory of her beautiful face. _"She is."_

"_You should treat her better."_

Now Nate was sounding like their mother when she had been immersed in one of her many lectures. He hadn't treated Fiona well and he knew that. No one would ever know how many times he'd thanked whoever was listening for keeping her by his side when he knew she could have left him on so many occasions.

"_I do—"_

"_Do you?"_ Nate challenged. "_Are you sure about that?"_

"_What are you talking about, Nate? I'm not the same man I was a year ago…I've changed…"_

"_Yes, you have,"_ Nate nodded as he turned his eyes back onto their mother, who had made her way into the kitchen. _"But she can't see it."_

Michael followed his brother's eyes and found his gaze falling upon their mother, who was standing at the sink and just staring out of the window.

"_She won't talk to me," Michael sighed miserably. "I've tried to talk to her and apologise but she…"_

"_I know, bro. She's got it into her head that I'm still this defenceless little boy who can't take care of himself…but she'll come around. Give her some time."_ Nate turned towards his elder brother and watched the myriad of emotions falling over his face before he tried to lighten the situation. "_Hey, do you remember that time when Tommy Davis stole my bike?"_

Michael smiled, despite the heaviness in his heart, and he found himself nodding when the memories filtered through to his mind.

"_Yeah…"_ he chuckled. "_He wouldn't give it back, so I stole his dad's car!"_

"_Yeah!"_ Shaking his head, Nate laughed aloud and then he indicated for his brother to follow him when he slowly turned away from their mother. _"He was grounded for a year!"_

Michael nodded and took one last look at his mother, who was still staring out of the window and he wondered if they would ever have the easy relationship they'd had had before Nate had died. His brother's solemn voice, when it came, startled him and he spun around to ask him if he could read minds now, but the image before him stole the words from his lips.

"_Fiona?"_

Michael swallowed heavily when he saw her moving around the loft, her soft features unable to hide the fact that she'd been crying. Swallowing heavily, Michael moved towards her, but stopped suddenly when he realised that this too was a memory from the past, and another one of his disastrously selfish acts that almost caused her to leave him.

"_Do you remember this?"_ Nate asked quietly as he kept a close eye on his brother's paling face. _"Why is she looking like she's lost everything?"_

Michael felt his heart aching inside his chest and felt his whole body shake when the loft door opened to reveal the Michael Westen who had wanted nothing but to get his job with the CIA back.

"_Ah,"_ Nate sighed knowingly. _"Another one of your romantic attempts?"_

Michael's heart sank when he heard his own voice speak those words that sounded so callous and cold, even to him. He often wondered why she had stayed after he'd basically thrust her love for him back in her face. He'd treated her so badly and, even as he watched his younger self utter those words, he wondered how he could have missed the hurt in Fiona's eyes.

"_I wish it was…"_ he whispered solemnly. If it had been a disastrous attempt at romance, then maybe he could have forgiven himself…

Both men's attentions were drawn to an obviously tearful Fiona as she stood up sharply and stopped for a few seconds when she was out of the other Michael's eye range. Her ragged breath gave away her feelings, but she pulled off an air of calm when she managed to utter a sentence without breaking.

"I'll be with you…"

Michael's heart ached for her and he turned towards his former self furiously when he didn't even turn around.

"_GO AFTER HER, YOU IDIOT!"_

"_Mike, you just called yourself an idiot,"_ Nate chuckled. _"That's kinda funny."_

"_I can't believe I just sat there and let her walk away,"_ Michael groaned miserably. _"What the hell was I thinking?"_

"_You were thinking of the CIA and who burned you,"_ Nate provided helpfully, even though his sarcasm earned his a glare from his elder brother. _"And Fiona was just an annoyance who had her uses when you needed an itch scratched."_

Whirling around, Michael clenched his fist and glowered at his brother. Taking a step closer, he shook his head defiantly and was prepared to defend his actions when he suddenly realised that what he had effectively done in the past was everything that Nate was accusing him of now.

Taking a step back, he felt his whole body waver beneath him when he turned back to watch his younger self as he just sat there calmly eating the salad that Fiona had left for him. He could already feel the sting of tears in his eyes when he realised what he had done and he wished with everything he had that he had given her everything she'd deserved instead of…nothing.

"_I need you to see something,"_ Nate told him softly as he urged him for look in his direction. _"Come on, bro, you know she forgave you…"_

His words slowly sank in and Michael found himself nodding his head before he could even think about it. His head hurt and his heart ached and all he wanted to do was wake up beside the woman he loved and tell her how much he needed her. Clamping his eyes closed, he felt a slow tear slip from his eyes. But when he opened them again and swiped it away, he found himself in a room he hadn't seen in such a long time.

Sniffing back another onslaught of emotion, he looked around the pastel blue room and listened for any signs of the occupant before he began his slow trek towards her bedroom. Her soft voice echoed throughout the room as she moved, throwing various items into an open box on her bed.

"Mammy, I can' go inta it righ' now. I'll ring ya when I sort ou' me transport, okay? I'll see ya soon…"

Michael watched her numbly when she placed her phone onto her bedside table and looked down at one of the open drawers. She hovered over a few of the items before she reached inside to take out a battered old book and gazed down at it sadly. Michael could already feel his heart sinking when he realised what she was holding in her hand.

"_She looks kinda sad."_

Michael almost jumped out of his skin when his brother's voice spoke into his ear and he groaned out his name in aggravation when he turned to face him.

"_Will you stop doing that?!"_

"_Sorry bro,"_ Nate grinned infectiously. _"I thought you were trained for sneak attacks!"_

"_Sneak attacks?"_ Michael asked incredulously, his mind momentarily distracted from the woman who was sitting on the bed_. "Is that what this is?"_

"_No, bro, this is showing you what you almost lost."_ Nodding towards the woman on the bed, Nate watched his brother as the realization slowly dawned in his eyes.

Stepping closer, Michael kept his gaze on the woman he loved and regarded her affectionately. He'd known back then that things weren't right between them, but he hadn't known how to fix it. Showing love had never been one of those things that he'd been capable of, but since he'd almost lost her, he'd really tried to portray his love for her in other ways.

"_She was leaving me,"_ he whispered softly, the memories of her announcement still leaving its mark inside his heart.

"_I know, Mike,"_ Nate nodded_. "She was tired of being last on your list…and believe me I know the consequences of that one."_

Michael tore his gaze away from Fiona to meet his brother's sorrow filled eyes and recognised the hurt that still lingered there now.

"_I'm sorry about Ruth and the baby."_

"_I'm dead,"_ Nate shrugged. "_They're both better off without me, anyway."_

"_No they're not,"_ Michael told him, the words hissing out of his mouth in a mixture of anger and sorrow_. "No one is better off without you here…I mean, look at how screwed up things are now."_

"_Mike—"_

"_Mom blames me for all of it,"_ Michael told him brokenly, as he returned his gaze onto Fiona to try and find some kind of grounding. She had always been his anchor and it was her he'd reached for when he'd lost his way, even when he'd treated her so badly.

"_Mom's just processing,"_ Nate told him reassuringly. _"She's trying to understand and she can't yet…but she will."_

Swallowing at the lump in his throat, Michael nodded slowly and tried to reign in his wayward emotions. He'd heard all of this before from Fiona. She'd told him it would take time and that his mother needed someone to blame…but he deserved the blame because it _was_ his fault.

"_I don't blame you, bro, so quit blaming yourself,"_ Nate told him when he could see the light fade from his brother's eyes. _"I mean it, Mike. It's not your fault."_

"_You sound like Fi,"_ Michael told him with a sad smile_. "You two always did get along."_

"_Yeah, we did,"_ Nate grinned. _"She's good for you."_

"_She is,"_ Michael nodded when his eyes drifted over to Fiona's still form. _"I didn't realise how much until O'Neil took her from me."_

"_So why didn't you treat her better?"_ Nate asked questioningly as he motioned across to Fiona who was obviously still emotionally upset. _"Look at her, bro. She was going to leave you."_

"_I know,"_ Michael sighed as he shook his head. _"I tried, but everything I did just—"_

"_You're making excuses,"_ Nate snapped when Michael closed his eyes in defiance. _"You need to see what happened when you weren't around."_

"_Nate—"_

"_Just open your eyes and see for yourself, Mike,"_ Nate urged. _"OPEN your eyes."_

Releasing a heavy sigh, Michael finally did as his brother asked and prepared himself for whatever Nate had lined up for him next, but the sight that greeted him stole his breath away and caused his heart to thump loudly inside his ears.

He was back in his mother's house, only this time Sam was there with her. He could see his friend shift uncomfortably in his seat when Madeline kept her eyes fixed on him.

"So where's Fi? You said she was going to come over with you."

"Maddie, what can I tell ya…Fiona's explosive, ya know?…She's—"

"I know what she is," Maddie snapped, her voice cutting through his. "All I'm asking is why isn't she here?"

"I don't know," Sam sighed. "We've been through every contact we both know and no one seems to know where Mike is…maybe she just wants some time on her own."

"I don't like it, Sam," Madeline whined as she reached for her cigarette pouch to pull out another one. "We always talked at least once a day. She's never gone this long without calling me."

"Look, Maddie—"

"Don't you 'look Maddie' me," she told him irritably as she placed the unlit cigarette in between her lips to leave it dangling there. "Go and check on her."

"You want me to check on, Fi?" he asked incredulously. "You know she has a temper, right? She's the kinda girl to shoot first just in case!"

Madeline scowled at him and grabbed hold of her lighter before she held it up to the cigarette between her lips and lit it. Taking a long drag, she kept her eyes on him as she slipped the lit cigarette in between her fingers and blew a plume of smoke out into the space between them.

"What are you still doing here?" she asked sarcastically. "Go and find Fi and bring me some more smokes on your way back."

Michael watched in amusement when Sam simply did as he was told and jumped up from the seat and sped out of the room before she had a chance to ask him for anything else.

"_Okay, so I'm worried,"_ Michael admitted softly when he turned to regard his brother questioningly. _"Fi and my mom always talk…maybe not as much since…"_

When his voice trailed away, Nate nodded, smiling despite the seriousness on Michael's face. _"Since I died?"_

"_Yeah,"_ Michael sighed. _"Since you died."_

"_So, are you ready to go and find out if Fiona blew Sam up?"_ Nate asked with a teasing smile. _"I bet you fifty bucks she shoots him."_

"_Nate, you're dead. You don't have fifty bucks!"_

"_Hey, just cuz I'm dead it doesn't mean I can't have some fun,"_ Nate grinned widely. "_So whadya say? Fiona shoots Sam before he can ask if she's okay?"_

"_I'm not betting with you,"_ Michael told him incredulously even as he started following his brother out of the room. _"I'm not!"_

"_You've gone soft,"_ Nate chuckled_. "I made you soft!"_

Michael shook his head and laughed, feeling some of the sadness momentarily seep away, but the smile dropped from his lips when he heard Fiona's voice, so soft and so fragile.

"Sam…I told you not to come…"

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and PM'd on here, twitter and FB. Thank you for all of the favourite story adds, author adds and story follows. I'm sorry I haven't had time to send everyone a personal reply, but please know that I appreciate every single one of you who leave signed and unsigned reviews.**

**A special thanks to my very dear friends, Purdy's Pal, DaisyDay and JediSkysinger who fill my days with love and laughter every single day. Also another big thank you to JediSkysinger for the BETA, despite her hectic schedule.**

**Lastly thank you to all of the wonderful twitter girls. All of you have become some of my closest friends and I am truly blessed to have met you** **all**

4

Michael felt his throat dry up when he allowed his eyes to wander over Fiona's prone body. For as long as he'd known her, she had always had an energy around her that naturally drew everyone towards her. The spark in her eyes made her blue green orbs so much brighter, but everything about her right in this moment seemed muted and sad.

"I told you. I'm fine," she sighed as she pushed the kitchen chair backwards to stand up. Dropping her favourite gun back onto the table, she gave Sam a look of aggravation before she stalked off towards the refrigerator to pull a bottle of beer out.

"Fi, listen, I was talking to Maddie—"

"Sam," Fiona's voice silenced his words on his lips when she shook her head indicating that Michael's mother was off limits. "Don't."

"Come on, Fi," Sam sighed when he took the pre-offered beer from her hands. "Just call her. She's worried about you."

"Yeah, well, she shouldn't be…I'm fine."

"That's why you won't answer her calls?" Sam nodded knowingly, as he watched the tough mask fall over her soft features.

"This is about Mike. Ya know he'll be back."

Michael felt his heart clench inside his chest when he witnessed something that he'd only seen since Fiona had returned to him after her incarceration. The light that had always been present in her eyes suddenly dimmed and he knew he had caused this in her, too.

"_Just how many times did you leave her, bro?"_ Nate asked, his voice startling the man beside him.

Michael jumped visibly, but instead of turning on his brother like he usually did, he didn't move and instead kept his gaze focused on Fiona's face.

"_Too many times,"_ he admitted softly, his voice filled with regret. "_I'm always leaving."_

"_Yeah, I noticed,"_ Nate told him with more than a hint of sarcasm filtering through his words. _"Don't you think it's kinda ironic that she's the only one who's stuck by ya?"_

The words albeit true earned Nate a scowl from his brother, but he shook it off with a wide, knowing grin.

"_Just stop, Nate,"_ Michael hissed haughtily. _"You don't need to tell me what I already know okay? I'm a lousy boyfriend."_

"_Ah! So, you admit when you left, you were her boyfriend?"_

"_Shut up!"_

Fiona's soft voice filtered through the room, causing Michael to hold his hand up to silence his brother so that he could hear what she was saying. Stepping a little closer, he moved to stand beside her, aching to reach out and touch her.

"Yeah, well, I'm tired of waiting," Fiona snapped when she whirled around to face that man who had become one of her closest friends. "We both know the second he's back, he'll leave again."

"Come on, Fi, you know he'll always come back to you," Sam tried, his words falling on deaf ears as she turned away from him again.

"He only comes back here because he can't leave," she told him, the fierce bite in her voice giving way to the sorrow that still coursed through her.

"Yeah, but _you_ can, sister," Sam told her with such honestly in his voice that Michael was both angry and surprised that he'd heard it.

"_What the hell are you doing Sam?"_ Michael groused when he tried to hear Fiona's response through the thudding of his heartbeat in his ear

"_Can you believe what your so-called best friend is suggesting?"_ Nate asked as he shook his head in disbelief. _"Isn't he supposed to be looking out for her?"_

Moving closer towards Fiona and Sam, Michael waved his hand to silence his brother as he took a close look into Fiona's face. Her eyes were bright with unshed tears and he knew her well enough to know that she wasn't about to let Sam see her lose control.

"_Fi, I came back…I came for you,"_ he told her helplessly, even though he knew she couldn't hear him. _"Fiona, don't listen to Sam…just don't—"_

"I can't just…leave…" Fiona sighed sadly when she lifted her gaze up to the man before her. "But it's time I stopped waiting."

"Don't give up on Mike just yet," Sam told her when she looked up at him with resignation in her eyes. "Fiona…"

"Just drink your beer," she sighed as she turned away. "We both know I'm not going anywhere."

Sam regarded her for a few moments before he placed his beer bottle onto the table and Michael watched in confusion when his best friend stepped closer to Fiona. Opening his mouth, he was about to ask Sam what he was doing when he witnessed something he never thought he would.

"_I thought they hated each other,"_ Nate mused when his eyes followed Sam Axe and broke out into a wide grin when he placed a tentative hand on Fiona's shoulder.

Both Michael and Nate winced as they both expected Fiona to explode at any second, but when she didn't move, Nate turned to watch his brother's reaction and grinned.

"_Shut up, Nate,"_ he growled as he moved slightly so that he could witness Fiona's response, confusion swamping his mind when she still hadn't moved. All he wanted to do was reach out and comfort her, to reassure her that she had become his main priority in his life, but he suddenly realised that whatever he told her right now, she wouldn't hear him. But he needed to say something anyway.

"_She can't hear you,"_ Nate reminded him when he took a step forward.

Shaking off his brother's hand, Michael moved closer to Fiona and Sam, but stopped in his tracks when he saw the pain in Fiona's eyes. His breath caught in his throat as he watched her clamp her eyes closed. All the times he'd walked away from her, he had never had to witness the results of his actions…until now.

"_I'm so sorry, Fi,"_ he whispered sorrowfully. _"I didn't know…"_

Fiona slowly opened her eyes before she tiredly rubbed her fingers across her damp cheeks. The resignation shone from her eyes as she stood up a little straighter and turned around, allowing Sam's hand to drop from her shoulder.

"Thanks, Sam, but I'm fine," she told him in a voice that sounded anything but fine. "It's just…"

"I know, sister," Sam nodded as he shifted uncomfortably before he retrieved his beer from the table. "So…"

"So," she mused, a slow smile forming on her lips as she regarded him fondly. "I'm going to make a change, starting right now."

"A change?" Sam asked her cautiously as he lifted the bottle to his lips. "Like what?"

"I'm tired of moping around waiting for a man who doesn't even want to be here," she blurted quickly as she threw her hand upwards and gestured towards the door. "I need to go out there and blow something up…I'm going crazy sitting here."

"What are you saying Fi? Cuz, ya know, I'm getting a little confused here!"

"I'm saying, Sam," she told him softly, a slow smile forming on her lips. "It's time we started doing what Michael would want us to do…it's time we took a job…"

The smile that graced her features brought a flood of relief through Michael's heart. He'd always loved her smile and he suddenly realised that since she'd been released from prison, he hadn't given her much of anything to smile about.

Glancing back at his brother, he opened his mouth to tell him that he'd seen enough, but the scene around him changed once again. Clamping his eyes closed, Michael wished for something to pull him out of this dream, but he couldn't seem to utter any words.

They were back in the loft, only this time it was empty. Turning around, Michael's eyes flittered over the open space and tried to find anything to indicate that Fiona had been here, but there was nothing of hers in sight.

"_NATE?"_ he called out, shaking his head in confusion. _"NATE!"_

"_Yeah, yeah…I hear ya, bro. You don't have to shout!"_

Michael's eyes snapped to his brother when he gestured towards the double bed in the centre of the loft.

"_Where's Fiona? Where's her stuff?"_

"_She ain't here,"_ Nate told him sadly. _"It's time for you to see what your life would be like if she hadn't come back for you, to help you with your burn notice."_

Swallowing hard, Michael felt his eyes glaze over as he tried not to think of how much he missed her. The loft seemed so empty without her and he realised that he couldn't really remember what this place had been like before he'd opened himself up to her again.

"_You really used to live like this?"_ Nate asked as he screwed his nose up in distaste. _"I'm surprised Fiona came here at all."_

"_It was only supposed to be for a couple of weeks, that's all,"_ Michael groused as he made his way towards the back of the loft, noting how his footsteps echoed when he walked. _"It was just a place…somewhere to crash while I figured stuff out…I never expected Fiona to come back into my life when I was burned."_

"_Ah, yeah, the burn notice,"_ Nate nodded. _"It's always about the job with you, ain't it?"_

"_NO,"_ Michael snapped angrily when he took in the emptiness of the loft. _"Not any more…"_

"_But if Fiona hadn't—"_

"_Look Nate, I get it,"_ Michael groaned miserably when the loneliness of the loft crept around his heart. _"I treated everyone badly, most of all Fiona…I know this already!"_

"_Yeah, ya did bro,"_ Nate nodded in agreement. _"But you need to see it."_

Michael shook his head desolately and opened his mouth to tell his brother that he didn't want to see anything else, but before he could utter a word he was back in the cemetery again.

"_Dad's grave?"_ he sighed, aggravation seeping through his words. _"Again?"_

"_No, not his,"_ Nate told him, his smile softening when he saw the realisation dawning in Michael's eyes as he gestured towards another headstone. _"I'm sorry, Mike."_

Michael's heart clenched as he followed Nate's hands and looked down at a headstone that he hadn't noticed before. Shaking his head from side to side, he refused to move forward for fear of what he would find when he got there. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he stared at the stone numbly as tears clouded his eyes.

"_Who is—"_

"_Go and see…"_

"_No."_ Michael shifted his gaze onto his brother and implored him to end this whole nightmare_. "I can't…"_

"_You have to,"_ Nate insisted. "_They won't let you move on if you don't."_

"_No…I…"_ Swiping at the wetness on his cheek, Michael felt his feet moving even though he didn't want to. His legs felt lead lined, becoming heavier with every step that led him closer to the unknown grave, until he was standing over it, totally numb.

"_Are you okay, bro?"_ Nate asked quietly when Michael had grown suspiciously silent. _"Mike?"_

Blinking at the moisture in his eyes, Michael read the name of his mother over and over again before he shook his head in disbelief. This was all wrong…his mother wasn't dead…she couldn't be…

"_No…it's not her,"_ he whispered. _"This isn't real…"_

"_It's as real as you and me,"_ Nate told him as he looked on in sympathy. _"You weren't around to protect her—"_

"_YOU'RE BLAMING ME?"_ Michael bellowed, caught in between sorrow and disbelief. _"She's DEAD because of me?…I—"_

"_You wanted your job back and the bad guys came after her to make you stop digging,"_ Nate shrugged. _"They thought by threatening her, you'd back off. But they __over__estimated her relationship with you and, because Fiona wasn't here, she didn't call mom and bring her back into your life So—"_

"_What?"_ Shaking his head from side to side, Michael tried to process just what Nate was telling him. It wasn't true, none of this was true…it couldn't be_. "No…"_

"_Mike—"_

"_NO!"_ Backing away from his mother's headstone, he stared at it numbly for a few more seconds before he turned away completely. _"THIS is all wrong."_

Nate watched his brother when he refused to turn back around and face this possible reality. When they were kids, Michael had defended him and his mother against the brute they had for a father and he was forever grateful to him for that, but there were other aspects of his life where he had gone wrong.

"_You need to see this, Mike," _he insisted when he moved closer. _"You have to learn…stuff."_

"_STUFF?"_ Michael growled angrily when he turned to face his brother. _"How could I possibly learn anything from mom's death?"_

"_Not just mom's,"_ Nate sighed solemnly. _"I'm sorry, Mike, but—"_

As Nate spoke, the surroundings around them changed once more and they found themselves standing in a cold, damp cemetery. Nate glanced up into the dark grey sky and shivered despite not being able to feel the cold.

"_NO…"_

"_Mike, I'm—"_ Nate tried to direct him towards a particular plot but Michael refused to listen to him, instead he stood his ground, his eyes growing wider with every passing second.

Stepping backwards, Michael mumbled numbly when he realised where he was. The unmistakable sounds around them took him back in time to a place that had become more like a second home. Blinking at the moisture in his eyes, he refused to let himself believe this nightmare. This wasn't real…Fiona was back in the loft, in their bed asleep beside him…she wasn't…gone…

"_She's not…no…"_

"_I'm sorry, Mike, but she is,"_ Nate told him sorrowfully. _"You left her to deal with the enemies you both made in Ireland. You saw how she reacted when you left…she didn't care anymore."_

"_That's not true,"_ Michael growled, refusing to look at the grave that held the woman who had become his whole world. _"She met other men, O'Neil, Armand…"_

"_Yes she did, but she always wanted you,"_ Nate shrugged. _"Can't see why though!" _

"_You're making jokes?"_ Michael asked in disbelief before his face crumbled when his eyes glanced over the words on the large marble headstone. _"The woman I love is gone and you think it's funny?"_

"_No, bro,"_ Nate told him soberly when the grin dropped from his face. _"You know, that's the first time I've heard you say that.."_

Sniffing back the moisture in his eyes, Michael tried to remind himself that none of this was real, but he couldn't seem to function any more.

"_What?"_ he asked quietly when his brother's words slowly registered in his brain, confusion swamping his thoughts.

"_You love Fiona,"_ Nate told him with a smile. _"I've never heard you come out and say it like that before."_

"_I've said it plenty of times,"_ Michael told him indignantly as he tried to sift through all of the memories in his mind.

"_Not to her, you haven't,"_ Nate reminded him.

"_I…"_ Clamping his eyes closed for a moment, Michael opened them again when he realized that his brother was right. _"We never needed to say it. She knew…she… knows I love her…"_

"_And you're the one with the devoted girlfriend?"_ Nate groused in annoyance. _"How have you managed to keep her with you all this time?"_

"_I—"_

"_No, seriously,"_ Nate asked. _"You hurt her more than once, but she stays with you…I don't get it."_

His words caused Michael to question his own actions and he realized that he couldn't understand it either. He had pushed Fiona away countless times, yet she had stayed by his side, even when he'd said some terrible things.

"_I don't know, Nate,"_ he sighed. _"I really don't know…"_

"_Do you remember when Fiona found out about Samantha?"_

Nate's question threw Michael off balance and, for a moment, he couldn't catch his breath. Of course he remembered; how could he not? The hurt in Fiona's eyes had haunted him since that day and even though he'd tried to explain his actions, he had still seen the look of betrayal shining back at him.

"_Yes,"_ he replied solemnly. _"I remember." _

"_She found out you'd made a commitment to someone else, but not to her, and she still stayed with you." _Shaking his head in confusion, Nate moved towards the headstone and stared down at the written words that were shining out at him like a beacon. _"She was a hell of a woman."_

"_Is,"_ Michael reminded him as he turned away from the stone that told him things he didn't want to know. _"She's not dead, and neither is mom…this is some kind of weird dream."_

"_You'd think so, wouldn't ya?"_ Nate grinned. _"I mean, who in their right mind would send someone like me back to teach ya?"_

Something in Nate's voice struck a chord in Michael's heart and he turned around sharply to face the little brother that he'd let down so badly.

"_I should have protected you,"_ he all but whispered. _"Just like I should have protected mom."_

Nate's expression softened when he regarded the man that his brother had become. He'd protected them all on more than one occasion, taking beatings that were meant for him and their mother. He did everything he could for all of them.

"_You protected me, bro,"_ he told him with a smile as he stepped closer towards his elder brother. _"You saved me from dad more than once."_

"_But I left—"_

"_You had to,"_ Nate shrugged. _"I didn't understand at the time, but I do now."_

Michael swallowed at the lump in his throat before he turned back around to move towards his brother and the place where his girlfriend had been laid to rest. He stopped in front of Fiona's grave and tried to read the words, but he couldn't see through his own tears. Sinking down slowly, he fell onto his knees and felt the aching sorrow soar through his body when he was suddenly hit with a barrage of "what ifs". What if this had really happened and he'd lost Fiona because of his own selfish reasons? What if he lost his mother forever because he'd blamed her for not leaving their father? The list went on and on and he couldn't seem to move past it any more.

Tears trickled down his cheeks when he thought of all the missed opportunities that he'd let pass right by him because he couldn't focus on anything but the job. He had a beautiful, passionate girlfriend who had given up her own freedom to save him and yet he still allowed his obsession to consume him. It had to stop, he had to change…

Within seconds, their surroundings changed once more and he found himself back in his mother's house, only this time it was different. He could hear voices coming from the family room and he moved tentatively towards the sound.

"_I wouldn't go in there, bro,"_ Nate winced when the voices became more heated. _"Your girlfriend means business!"_

"_What?"_ Michael blinked in confusion and ignored his brother's remarks and moved forward anyway.

Fiona's voice was getting higher by the second, the pitch and volume increasing with her anger. Glancing towards his brother, he was about to ask what was going on when he heard his mother's voice almost yell out his name.

"HE KILLED MY SON!"

"MICHAEL _IS_ YOUR SON, TOO, HE _NEEDS _YOU—"

"OH _PLEASE_…" Madeline hissed as she reached for another cigarette. "Michael has never needed anyone in his life. _You_ should know that by now sweetheart!"

"He loves his brother, Madeline, and he needs his mother!" Throwing her head in annoyance, Fiona shot a glare at Michael's mother before she made a grab for her bag that she'd tossed over the back of the chair.

"He only wanted you out of prison," Madeline shot back. "My son died because it was all Michael could think about."

Michael's heart clenched inside his chest; he couldn't believe what he was witnessing here. Casting his attention towards his brother, he opened his mouth to ask when this confrontation had taken place…but his words died on his lips when he saw his girlfriend turn towards his mother with murder in her eyes.

"Ya think Nate's dead because a me, do ya?" Fiona asked lowly, the Irish slipping back into her voice when she stepped closer. "Do ya wan' ta see jus' how dangerous I ca' be, Madeline?"

"You don't scare me, honey," Madeline told her, sarcasm dripping from her words. "I lived with Michael's father. I know how dangerous a person can be, but you're not one of them."

"Ya'd think so, wouldn' ya?" Fiona nodded, her tone like acid as she kept her gaze fixed on the woman before her. "Bu' ya know wha', yer no' tha only one ta lose someone ta a pointless action, so don' try ta push tha blame aroun' ta anyone else…"

"Or what?" Madeline challenged as she reached down to pull another cigarette from her pack and lit it with the one she had just nearly finished.

"Keep hurtin' me man an' yer'll find ou'." Turning away from the older woman, Fiona stomped off towards the door and threw it open before Madeline could even react.

Michael watched in total bewilderment when Nate came to stand by his side, both of them surveying their mother's reaction.

"_I…when did this happen?"_ Michael asked numbly. _"Fiona never said—"_

"_It hasn't happened yet, bro,"_ Nate grinned, his voice carving through Michael's words. _"Welcome to the future…"_

TBC

in the final chapter


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thank you to everyone for your reviews, PM's and for the favourite story and author adds. I really do appreciate every one of you who takes the time to read my stories. I wish I could reply to all of you personally but RL has a habit of getting in the way.**

**Thank you also to everyone for your well wishes when I injured my hand. It's still a little sore but the good news is that I have full movement in all of my fingers, so I didn't do too much damage thankfully.**

**Thank you to my wonderful friends, the amazing Purdy's Pal, DaisyDay and JediSkysinger for keeping me smiling with daily emails. Also huge thanks to JediSkysinger for finding the time to beta for me even though she has been battling a cold.**

**Lastly thank you to all of the twitter girls for your constant support and to LeeLee and Noelle, I love you both so much.**

5

Michael stared at his brother as if he'd grown a second head. He was absolutely stunned by what he had just witnessed and even more worried than usual, but his brother's nonchalant smile just infuriated him. Tearing his eyes away, he turned back towards Madeline and watched her carefully, hoping to see any kind of sign as to what had just happened that had caused her tough exterior to crack.

"_Nate…what do you mean this is the future?" _he asked distractedly as he kept his gaze focused on their mother. _"It can't be like this."_

"_It is what it is, Mike,"_ Nate shrugged as he turned and joined in with his brother's vigil of their mother. "_I guess mom isn't as close to Fiona as we thought."_

"_No, they're close,"_ Michael insisted. "_This can't be right…it's—"_

"_This is what it's going to be like if you let mom slip away from you,"_ Nate told him knowingly when sudden realisation appeared on Michael's face. _"Fiona can see you slipping…hell, even I can and I'm dead, bro!"_

"_Nate, don't—"_

"_Don't what? Look Mike, you've gotta face facts…I'm dead…and nothing you can do is gonna change that."_

Michael closed his eyes as his brother's words caused the wound that hadn't healed to reopen once more. Grief and guilt still ate away at him and, even though he knew he had to face it, he was afraid to face that raw emotion that would undoubtedly bring him to his knees.

"_I wish I could change it,"_ Michael told him brokenly as he slowly opened his eyes. _"If I could trade places—"_

"_Now, don't you go and be talking like that, Mike,"_ Nate scolded softly. _"If it had been you, then Fiona would be alone…you wouldn't want that would ya?"_

"_No, but—"_

"_No but's, bro,"_ Nate told him firmly, his lips merging into a smile. "_You've got a woman who was willing to give up her life for you. I've never had that, bro. That's special."_

Fiona's face emerged in Michael's mind and he fought hard to keep her there for as long as he could, but the vision of her faded, just like it had so many times before and he was left feeling utterly alone.

"_I want things back how they used to be, before Anson, before you died…before mom hated me…"_ Michael's voice trailed away and he swallowed back the lump in his throat before he focused on his mother once more. How could he have let things become so strained between them?

"_Mom doesn't hate you Mike. Like I told you before, she just needs time."_

"_You still sound like Fi,"_ Michael chuckled humorously before the smile slipped from his lips once more. _"I can take mom not talking to me, but I don't want her and Fiona to do whatever…that…was before."_

"_Mom always did like Fiona,"_ Nate sighed wistfully. _"It woulda been nice if she'd tried to like Ruth, but she didn't make things easy."_

Michael sighed heavily when he watched his mother stub the cigarette out into her ashtray before she pulled a kitchen chair out and flopped into it. He knew she was angry with him for what happened to Nate. Maybe she hated him a little too, and that he could cope with…at least he thought he could.

"_You know mom…"_ he sighed. _"She probably thought no one was good enough for you."_

"_Oh, come on!"_

"_No, I mean it,"_ Michael insisted as he turned towards his brother, a smile lifting his lips. _"You were always the favourite."_

"_The fav—" _

"_You know I'm right!"_

Nate's mouth widened in bewilderment as he folded his arms across his chest and stared at the man standing beside him.

"_How can you think that?"_ he groused. _"Mom was always looking out for a post card from you, but every day she was disappointed. But me…"_

"_Nate—"_

"_No, you listen to me for once, Mike,"_ Nate interrupted, his eyes flashing wildly as he spoke. _"All I heard for years was, 'why can't you be more like your brother?'…'If only your bother was here, he'd fix it…' Do you know how many times I tried to tell her you weren't going to call?"_

"_I had a good reason, Nate…I couldn't—"_

"_Yeah, yeah, you couldn't risk putting mom in danger…blah, blah, blah…" _Nate shook his head as he spoke, bewilderment mixed with resignation seeping through his words. _"You keep telling me the same thing, bro, but you ain't telling me the one thing that matters."_

"_Okay," _Michael sighed, throwing his arms in the air. _"Why don't you just go ahead and tell me what I did wrong this time?"_

"_You think it's so simple, don't ya, Mike?"_ Nate growled. _"Let me show you something."_

Michael stared after Nate with barely contained confusion and he just couldn't understand why his brother was so upset. Surely this thing with his not calling their mother while he was away had been dealt with already.

Following blindly he stepped beside his brother's still form, expecting to see the family room he was used to seeing. But instead the image that greeted him was one from the past, before all of this mess.

Watching on silently he wondered why Nate had chosen to show him this particular time, but it soon became apparent when he heard soft voices coming from the room and he realised that he was witnessing another snippet from the past…one where he had almost lost Fiona because of his own stupidity.

"Madeline, I know you mean well—"

"No, sweetheart," Madeline smiled as she reached out to lay her hand over the young woman sitting opposite her. "I know you think he doesn't love you, but I know he does."

Fiona sighed heavily and shifted in her seat before she forced a smile onto her lips. "Madeline—"

"No, honey, you need to listen to me, and listen up good." Scooting forward, she cradled Fiona's hand in both of hers as she spoke. "When Michael was away, I waited every day for a post card, a phone call, anything to let me know he was okay, but nothing ever came…"

Michael watched on in total bewilderment when his mother's words brought a wave of guilt to wash over him. He hadn't realised that she would miss him, not after the way they had parted…but now he was slowly beginning to understand why she was so upset with him now. Before he could turn towards his brother and tell him he'd seen enough, Fiona's voice startled him with her words of reassurance.

"He was trying to protect you," Fiona insisted, her words of protection causing Michael to question what he had done to deserve her.

"I know that, but what I'm trying to tell you is I learned how to deal with not hearing from him every day. I thought it was better if I didn't know where he was…but then I had a call from you…"

"Me?"

"Yeah," Madeline chuckled, releasing Fiona's hand to reach for her pack of cigarettes. Pulling one out she lifted it to her lips and allowed it to dangle there while she reached down for her lighter. "You were my one connection to him, did you know that?"

Michael's eyes grew wider when he saw Fiona's flood with tears, but to her credit she blinked them away and composed herself before his mother had lit her cigarette.

"I…didn't know that, no," Fiona all but whispered as she tried to control her wayward emotions. "You know he left me, too?"

"I know," Madeline nodded as she blew a plume of smoke into the air. "But he loved you when he left."

Fiona instantly bristled and sat back further in her chair but she didn't allow her feelings to show.

"I thought he loved me, Madeline," she shrugged, trying to create an air of nonchalance as she averted her eyes. "I learned a long time ago that loving Michael comes with a price attached."

"I wish I could disagree with you," Madeline sighed with a sad smile as she stubbed her half smoked cigarette into her ashtray.

"But you know I'm right?" Fiona asked softly, her eyes lifting towards the woman sitting opposite her.

"I do," reaching forward Madeline patted Fiona's hand and stood up to walk across to one of the many book shelves and pulled out a large photo album. Tucking it under her arm she reached out for Fiona's hand and tugged her up to pull her with her towards the couch, sitting them both down onto it.

Michael moved with them, confusions marring his thoughts as he turned back to seek out his brother's face.

"_When did this happen?"_ he asked, his voice breaking slightly when he turned back to watch his girlfriend and his mother laughing over some of the old photographs in the album.

"_Do you remember when you left for the…"_ Nate's voice broke off for a few seconds as he mentally made calculations inside his head. _"Was it the third…or…"_

"Nate—"

"_Oh, wait, it was the fifth…yeah I know that cuz I remember mom calling me to—"_

"_NATE!"_

"_Hey, I'm not the one who keeps leavin' bro,"_ Nate grinned. _"But you know…maybe you have learned from all of this…who knows…"_

"_What does that mean, Nate?" _Michael asked in exasperation_. "What does any of this mean?"_

"_It means you've seen enough to fix things," Nate grinned. "It's time for you to wake up."_

"_Nate…what about mom and Fi? How do I stop that? How do I—"_

"_Wake up, Michael…" Nate grinned as he stepped away. "Wake up now…"_

"_NATE!"_

"Michael, you're dreaming…wake up," Fiona shook her boyfriend's shoulder and tried to rouse him from whatever nightmare he was having, but when she heard his brother's name on his lips, she laid down beside him and held on to his shaking body.

Michael's eyes snapped open and, for a moment he laid there, trying to find his bearings and to return his breathing to normal. It took him all of two seconds to register that there was a warm body beside him in a comfortable bed that he would have known anywhere.

"Fi?" he asked dubiously, praying that he hadn't just woken up in another time, but when she shifted beside him and lifted herself up onto one elbow, he finally dared to look up at her.

"Hey," she whispered softly, a smile forming over her lips. "Are you okay?"

Without warning, Michael lunged towards her, pulling her body down so that he could crush her to him. He held on tight, his words mixed in with sobs as he clung to her desperately, never wanting to let her go.

"Fi…" he moaned her name. "Fi…"

"I'm here, it's okay," she managed, even though her voice was muffled against his chest. "I'm here…"

"Don't let go…please…"

"I won't," she whispered as she kissed her way over his chest and up towards his ear. "I promise, I'll never let you go…shh…it's okay…"

Michael swallowed hard against the burning in his throat as he tried to regain his composure and release her so that he could see her face, but he couldn't seem to let her go. Squeezing her tighter against him, he clamped his eyes closed and tried to bring his breathing back to normal. He clung to her desperately, shaking his head and whispering her name in some kind of mantra.

"Shh," she whispered, so close that he could feel her warm breath on his face. "Michael, open your eyes."

He shook his head against her. "You're not really here…if I open my eyes, then this has to end…and…I—"

His voice was cut off mid-sentence when she pulled him tighter into her chest, forcing the breath out of his body. Opening his eyes, he tried to focus, but the feel of her arms around him was intoxicating and he didn't want her to ever let him go.

"It's going to be okay," she whispered against his ear. "I'm not going anywhere this time."

Her words caused Michael's arms to slowly move. His hands slid up Fiona's back until he was pulling her body even closer to his. There was so much he needed to say to her…so many things he needed to apologize for, but when he looked up at her to see complete trust in her eyes, everything he wanted to say just melted away.

"I'm here. I'll always be here," she told him, her whispered promise accompanying the strength of her embrace.

Her words coursed through him, spurring him to slowly pull away so that he could gaze up into her beautiful eyes. "Fiona…"

"No," she whispered as she focused on his lips. "You don't need to say anything…I know…"

Michael closed his eyes briefly when her breath fanned his face. So many times while she was incarcerated he had dreamt of this, of holding her, kissing her, making love to her. Opening his eyes again, he pulled himself upright and slowly dipped his head, meeting her half way as their lips touched gently, lingering together for a few seconds before they pulled away to gaze into each other's eyes.

Neither of them had been prepared for the overwhelming desire that shot through them both the second their lips touched. Fiona could feel the slight tremble in her body as she smiled at him. The way he was looking at her, his eyes lingering over her face with such intensity, caused her face to flush before she moved to claim his lips again in at kiss that left them both gasping for breath.

"Fiona…" he panted breathlessly when he tore his lips from hers. Her kisses were addictive and he had to hold his forehead against hers just to stop himself from tumbling recklessly into her. Her name flowed from his lips in an endless whisper until his words were replaced with a trail of soft kisses that burned a path over her face. He continued to kiss his way along the column of her throat and then back up again until he came to hover over her lips again. "You're really here…"

"I'm really here," she told him softly, her voice breaking when she saw his eyes welling with tears. She had never felt so utterly adored before in her life. "Michael…"

Hearing his name on her lips sent shock waves throughout his body and he suddenly pulled her against him once more, connecting their lips in a scorching kiss that sealed them both in an unspoken act of devotion. Fiona's hands found their way into his hair, her fingers threading through his dark strands, holding him against her in a desperate clasp. She was lost in him and, when his tongue ran along her lower lip begging for entry, everything around them melted away. One scorching kiss led into another until they broke apart, panting heavily.

"I…wow…" she managed breathlessly as she fought to focus on his face. His eyes seemed to be devouring her and she could feel the rosy blush heating her cheeks. "I…Michael…what's brought this on…why are—"

His lips were on hers again before she could speak, kissing her with one long kiss that left her body melting into his. When he slowly pulled away, he smiled down into her desire filled eyes. "You're right, I can't do this without you," he whispered against her lips, "I need you..."

At first she pulled back and just stared at him in confusion, until she saw the absolute commitment in his eyes. She had never heard him like this before. He had laid himself bare before her, vulnerable and completely open to her touch, and she realised in this one precious moment that she had never loved him more than she did right now.

"I'm here," she whispered softly as she skimmed her fingers over his face, feeling the course prickly growth of his unshaven skin beneath her hand. Moving closer, once more she pressed their lips together again, relishing in the slight shiver that emanated from his body.

His hands slid over her back, his fingers massaging wherever they touched but before Fiona could push his body back down onto the bed, he stopped her and slowly looked around the empty loft.

"Michael what are you doing?" she asked, trying not to smile at the way he was looking around the room. "There's only the two of us here."

"I'm just making sure," he told her seriously as he pushed himself up further, leaning on his elbow.

Shaking her head incredulously, Fiona reached up for him, wrapping her hands around the back of his head to pull him back down to her. His eyes were still searching even when she claimed his mouth again, so she increased the pressure, enticing him to deepen the kiss. His eyes eventually closed when she consumed him as she invaded his senses, pushing away all of the clouds that had marred his thoughts since Nate had been taken from him.

Love burst through him, the heated wave cascading throughout his body to burn wherever it touched. Thoughts of grief melted away with her love and he could almost see Nate's relieved smile out of the corner of his eye, but he wasn't going to berate his brother this time. He had everything he needed right here and he wasn't ever going to let her go again.

When the need for breath forced them apart, Michael groaned out her name and settled above her to bury his head into the crook of her neck. Every kind of emotion he had ever felt in his life was coursing through him right now, the sheer intensity causing his body to tremble against her. He wanted her; he needed her… so why was he feeling so utterly drained?

Fiona closed her eyes and brought both of her hands up to cradle his head against her, holding onto him tightly. She knew what he was going through because she had gone through the exact same thing when Claire had died.

Spreading her fingers wide, she threaded them through his hair and placed soft kisses over his temple while she whispered words of reassurance and love. He hadn't known back in Ireland that he alone had been the one to heal her heart. He had taken the blackness of her grief and turned it into love, and in turn he had saved her from losing herself into that chasm of darkness. It was him…all of it…

"I love you," she whispered, punctuating those words against his skin as she kissed him. "Always love you…forever…"

Her words found their way inside him and he suddenly found the strength he had been lacking only moments ago. Lifting his head, he found her eyes and once more wondered what he had done to deserve her. His eyes filled with unwanted tears, but she reached up and kissed them away before they could fall.

"Nate took me to Ireland," he choked out and tried to regain his wayward emotions, but he couldn't seem to stop his body from shaking. "You were dead and I—"

"I'm right here," she whispered softly as she cradled his face between her hands. "Look at me…I'm here."

"But you…"

"Shhh…"she chided, her lips silencing him before he could speak again. Tugging him even closer she manoeuvred them further backwards and turned them until his body was pressed firmly into the pillows. The love in his eyes brought a flood of adoration to flow through her heart…he was everything and sometimes the intensity of those feelings scared her. Taking a breath, she lifted her fingers to his cheek and caressed the rough skin as she thought of the words that would convey to him just how much she loved him.

Michael gazed up at her in complete awe. Devotion shone from his eyes as he covered her hand with his fingers. She deserved so much more than this life he had drawn her into and he knew after the events he'd just witnessed, regardless whether they were in a dream or not, he would give her everything she wanted.

"What are you thinking?" she asked in a whisper, unable to hide the blush that lingered over her cheeks beneath his scrutiny.

For a moment he was lost in her, unable to find the right words to say to express to her just how much he needed her in his life. How could he tell her that his brother had come to him in a dream and showed him what would happen if he didn't make a change? He would sound like he'd lost his mind and he wasn't sure whether he hadn't. His brother was dead, he wasn't coming back and yet his presence was everywhere.

Fiona watched the ever changing emotions swamping her boyfriend's eyes and she knew that any words now could never take the place of the sheer power of the love they felt for each other. Nodding slightly, she smiled down at him before she lowered her body closer and laid her head in between his neck and shoulder.

Michael pulled her closer, his fingers tracing lazy patterns over her back as he closed his eyes. He cherished these moments between them and thanked whoever was listening for bringing her into his life. Every day she gave him something new, a new hope, a new feeling, and a new reason to keep fighting. He didn't know if there would come a day that he could possibly live without her. He smiled when she turned her head to kiss their joined hands, her lips grazing his knuckles before she let out a contented sigh.

"I saw Claire after she died," she whispered in the darkness and instantly she heard him gasp in a breath, but all she did was clutch his hand tighter. "She died angry at me…and I…I never got to tell her I was sorry."

Michael heard the waver in her voice and held onto her as she took a breath, instinctively knowing that there was more she needed to tell him. He listened in the darkness, waiting for her to tell him that everything would be okay because it worked out for her, but to his surprise she didn't.

"She was so beautiful and after she died I kept asking God why he had taken her instead of me."

Swallowing hard, she blinked away the sudden wetness that sprang into her eyes and smiled despite her years of grief. "I had a dream about her not long after she'd died and she told me I'd know my reason soon enough."

"And did you?" He asked, his voice muffled into her hair as he nuzzled his lips against her soft strands.

Fiona snuggled in closer, burrowing her lips against his neck as she nodded. "I met you."

Her words startled him for a moment, but he recovered quickly and manoeuvred them so that he could see her eyes. After lifting himself upwards, he descended on her lips, kissing her with as much passion as he could muster.

Fiona moaned into his mouth when he deepened their kiss before she had time to breathe. His tongue plunged into her mouth, causing her to whimper with the sensations he was enticing throughout her body. Pushing herself closer to him, she buried her fingers into his hair and clamped his mouth tightly to hers.

Michael was lost in her, as she caused every ounce of self-control to flitter away like the breeze. His body still reacted to her in the same way as it had done all those years ago and his mind remembered every inch of her skin with perfect clarity. He needed her now more than he needed to breathe…he needed to show her that she was his life now, despite what his previous actions had shown her. Without breaking the kiss, he took control to flip them over to push her backwards against the soft pillows.

Fiona tore her lips from his to trail kisses over his face and neck. Thoughts of her sister faded into the back of her mind as she kissed him, her lips burning an enticing trail over his flesh to leave him groaning above her.

Feeling her heated kisses on his skin, Michael could feel the intensity in every touch she lavished over his body and he felt himself starting to shake slightly. He met her with his own sensual caresses as he slid his hands around her back to hold her closer to him. His own exploring kisses worshiped her body until he relented against his own passion to kiss his way up to her mouth once more.

Fiona could sense his desperate need for her aching into her own body and she felt herself surrender to his touch. Lifting her head, she caught his lips with her own, kissing him with something bordering on near desperation. Pulling him closer, she groaned into his mouth as he slid his tongue into her depths, causing her whole body to ignite. She kissed him with an intensity neither of them had known before and he willingly sank down into her arms to let her take control of their love making.

Fiona moved suddenly and hooked his legs, rolling them over so that he was lying flat on the mattress and she loomed above him. He smiled up at her adoringly as he allowed his hands to fall back on the bed, willingly surrendering to her in every possible way.

Fiona watched his eyes flutter closed as she slid her hands over his chest, her nails raking sensually over his skin as she positioned herself over him. She closed her eyes and threw her head back as she took him into her body, the burning love uniting them together in a beautiful union of coupling souls.

Her soft groans coaxed him closer and soon the sadness that had encompassed them gently ebbed away, to leave them breathless in the wake of passion that had taken them both over the edge of release, leaving them both physically spent as they sank down into the bed, their arms tightly wrapped around each other. Their bodies slowly disengaged a few moments later and they laid together in the afterglow, soaking up each other's love.

Michael lifted one of his hands to her back, his fingers dancing circling patterns over her silken skin. He wanted to tell her everything that she stirred within him, but no words would ever compare to how she made him feel. Instead, he pulled her closer to him, encircling her sweat sprinkled body within his arms.

They stayed that way for a long time and, after what seemed like forever, Fiona felt his breathing deepen and she moved her head up to watch him. She'd lost count how many times she'd used to do this back in Ireland as they laid in bed together after a long night of passion. There had always been something so innocent about him when he slept and she often felt as if the stresses of their lives just seemed to fall away when he allowed himself to sleep.

Her eyes lingered over his face, searching for that same innocence that she'd seen so many years ago. He was such a beautiful man, both in body and spirit. She could never understand this connection between them, but she knew their bond was far deeper than anything she'd ever felt before with anyone. Yet, she was still uncertain of the future, still afraid of where they were heading. She'd never been certain of her place in his life, not even after he'd asked her to move in. She knew he'd taken a huge step forward, but instead of embracing what was possibly the best thing that had ever happened to her, she still couldn't shake the fear that one day he would eventually leave her like he did before.

Closing her eyes against the sudden moisture in them, she moved her body closer to his and held him, letting the tears fall silently as she listened to his heartbeat beneath her ear. He had already gone through so much already and he didn't need to see how much all of this mess was hurting her too.

"Fi..." his voice murmured softly, causing her to hurriedly sniff back her tears and lift her head to search his face.

"I thought you were asleep."

He pulled her closer, his voice fighting against the tiredness wracking his body. "I love you... you know that…don't you?"

Fiona gasped softly as fresh tears sprang to her eyes. Her heart was thundering inside her chest and she wondered if this was really just a dream. Lifting up on one elbow, she gazed down into his face and kissed his closed eyes.

"I know, Michael," Her breath caught in her throat as the words she'd struggled to say on so many occasions slipped effortlessly from her now. "I love you, too...so much..."

He sighed sleepily beside her and clutched her close to his body. "Good," he murmured as their hands joined again. A few more seconds of silence passed before he spoke again, his voice just a whisper. "I won't leave you ... not again…"

"You can't promise me that," she whispered back as the words caught in her throat. "Just…go to sleep now, okay? We'll talk in the morning."

"I really won't... and…I _do_ love you..."

"I know. You sleep now, okay?" Her voice was soft as she kissed his chest and she doubted she'd be sleeping any time soon. He loved her; he'd actually said it and that should have been enough but...

"Fi?"

Fiona smiled, despite the sadness that coursed through her. Here he was, this wonderful, beautiful man who had always stood by his beliefs and kept silent, but now he wouldn't stop talking.

"Close your eyes," she told him, hoping that he hadn't heard the slight waver in her voice. "I'll be here when you wake up."

Michael's eyes snapped open and he inclined his head to see the top of her head rested on his chest. Nate's words echoed inside his mind and he knew that this beautiful woman deserved so much more that he had given her. She was his life and it was time she heard everything. Shifting slightly, he turned his body so that they were facing each other before he skimmed his fingertips over her wet cheek.

"You're everything," he blurted quickly before he lost his nerve. "I mean…this life; whatever we do from now on…it's nothing if you're not with me."

"Michael—"

He moved closer to place a kiss onto her lips, silencing her before she could speak again. When he drew back, he watched her eyes slowly open to gaze into his with so much adoration that he almost forgot what it was he needed to tell her. He focused on her eyes, noting that even in the darkness they still had the power to steal the breath from his lungs. With gentle fingers, he skimmed her cheek before he moved lower to trace his thumb over her lips.

"When I went to Ireland, I never thought I'd find myself wanting to stay…I never wanted to leave you, Fi," he told her quickly before he lost his nerve. "I want you to know that."

Fiona kissed his thumb and offered him a watery smile as she moved over him to settle her head onto his chest.

"I know," she whispered, her fingers skimming his chest as she spoke. "Card told me."

"Card?" Michael asked with a sigh. "I was ready to kill him that night…part of me wished I had until he helped me get you out of prison."

"Yeah, he told me that, too," she mused. "He'll be there to take you away from me again one day."

Her voice stirred something inside him, reminding him of the journey he had taken with his younger brother while he'd slept. Tugging her tighter against his body, he leaned down to pepper her head with kisses before he pulled her upwards so that he could see her face.

"Never again," he promised solemnly, his voice punctuating his words as he sealed his devotion to her with his lips.

Fiona melted against him and drew back to look up at him curiously when his lips merged upwards into an amused smile.

"What?"

"Nothing," he grinned, feeling his heart becoming lighter by the second. Kissing her one more time, he lay back down against the pillows and took her with him, waiting until she settled against him before he spoke again. "Just promise me one thing…"

Fiona traced her fingertips over his chest and nodded silently as she waited for him to enlighten her but when he coaxed her head upwards so that she was gazing directly up at him, she knew she would promise him anything he asked.

"Don't go to my mom's without me?"

Fiona's eyes swam in confusion, but she nodded anyway. There was no way she was going to be visiting Madeline Westen any time soon, not after the way she was treating Michael.

"Okay…"

"Good…" he grinned happily as he tugged her against him again before he closed his eyes. Skimming his fingertips over her back, he chuckled to himself when he heard Nate's laughter echoing inside his head and he knew that whatever happened now he wouldn't let the future he'd seen come to pass. This was the life he wanted now…with this beautiful woman by his side.

As he slipped over into the cusp of slumber, he thought he heard a soft goodbye, but when he opened his eyes he was only greeted by darkness. When he settled back against the pillows again, his eyes caught sight of the woman lying against him and all thoughts of his brother left his mind when he looked over her sleeping face.

"Thank you, Nate," he whispered into the darkness as he allowed the last vestiges of grief to slip away when he nuzzled his lips into Fiona's hair and closed his eyes.

_"No bro_...t_hank you…"_

The End

Thank you for reading


End file.
